Mountain High Marriage

The one on the mountain top didn’t just fall there.

We don’t just plop into a mountain top marriage. We take a few steps everyday to reach a goal.

We have coached many couples who leave their marriage alone to see where it will take them. When it goes nowhere, they figure it was just meant to be that way. But, would you do that with a car? Just press on the gas pedal and see where it goes? It would soon crash.

Take one aspect of your marriage, think of where you would like it to be in a month and go there. Would you like to spend more time together? In the next three weeks set up one small encounter per week. Maybe a coffee time on Saturday morning, an hors-d’oeuvre time one evening, or a walk around the block.

It is your marriage and you can take it where you want to go. To the mountain top or the valley. The mountain top takes a little work. The valley is easy. You just slide down.

Repair Your Marriage Now!

Start Repairing Your Marriage Now!

Think of three things you appreciate about your spouse. Find three qualities and let him know.

Building a marriage is not about how you feel. No one cares about feelings. Building a marriage is about doing what works, feelings do not work. Building a marriage is about what you do and how the other person walks away after the doing. Feelings come into play later, but to repair or build a strong marriage focus on what you do that triggers positive reactions in your spouse.

Appreciation works.

Appreciation is the common need in men and women though each respond differently. Here’s how men respond.

For men appreciation fills their sails. It build them up and makes them want to do more for which they were appreciated. Women can use this as a purposeful tool to move their man in a positive direction. “But I’ll feel like a manipulator,” one woman said to us after this advice. My response? Men like to be manipulated in this way. It is how we are built.

Tell your man, “I really appreciate you helping me this evening,” and watch him move to help you more. It is how men work. When appreciated, tasks seems lighter and work easier; creativity soars and life just feels better. Here is how women respond to appreciation.

For women appreciation creates safety. When appreciated women sense a welcome comfort that they are doing well and it heightens their sense of security. Appreciation puts women at ease and causes them to feel loved and creates a drive to be more nurturing, something men need.

Find three qualities you appreciate and tell your spouse. You can be specific, “I appreciate you taking out the trash,” or general, “I appreciate all you do for us.” They each work but the second carries more clout.

Think of three things you appreciate and go share them. Soon. In a day or two you will see your marriage shift.  Visit.

Aside

What Happened to My Marriage?!

You’ve Changed and I Don’t Like It!

Help!

Ever look at your spouse and wonder how you ever loved him? He changed so much, you wonder who he is. How did it all get so negative, where did the good stuff go?

Let’s see how perception changes through awareness; click here to watch a 70 second awareness test. Then click back to finish your article.

Notice how your focus caused you to miss the surprising element in the video. The second time around it is so easy to see, so obvious.

When marriage hits tough times, our focus narrows to the bad elements. This focus is so strong that we begin to believe the other person has changed for the worse, that marriage has failed. As perceptions change the sweet wife turns sour; the caring husband insensitive and we entertain thoughts like, “He’s not the right one.”

What Triggers

This happens when we get in a fuss. We focus on the negative characteristics of our mate and miss the fun parts, the good stuff, what we once loved. Like breathing, it is an automatic response from our brain, and the only way to control it is to replace negative thoughts with a new focus.

The more anger we feel toward someone, the more distrust, the more disappointment we experience; the more we perceive the other person as someone bad. Studies have shown that we color once pleasant memories to unpleasant ones. When unhappiness sets in wonderful honeymoons get colored to terrible experiences. A few nights of missed lovemaking become, “She withholds sex!”

Solution

The next time you see the bad parts, make an effort to look for the good stuff. Change the field of play through stating forgiveness, kind words, and positive thoughts. During good times keep a running tab of your spouse’s good points and focus on them often. Then when you fuss it will be easier to call up the qualities you love.

Perception change is dangerous to a marriage. If it happens too much your marriage becomes a mirage and you believe the false image.

Remember, focus can change perception. The next time you are focused on anger, remember that what you see is not the whole picture.  CoachOurMarriage.

Why Men Dislike Valentine’s Day and How to Change It

Surveys show that Valentine’s Day is the most disliked holiday by men. Here’s why.

Someone mentions that a one million dollar treasure is hidden on Manhattan island and says, “Go find it.” The task would be daunting. Now imagine someone giving you a detailed map to the treasure. That’s how it is for men and Valentine’s Day.

Men are romantic but the answer to, “What do you want to do on Valentine’s Day?” can seriously derail them. If you say, “Oh, anything is fine.” it is like the treasure without the map.

This Valentine’s Day be specific. Tell him exactly what would make you happy. Say exactly what you want. Name the restaurant, the walk, the movie, the place, everything. But shouldn’t he know?

Men are target orientated and need the map. It does not mean he loves you less, only that hints do not trigger him.

So if he asks, kindly tell him what would make you very happy and watch him go. You will ignite his provider instinct and desire to make you happy.

Happy V’ Day,
Jim & Laura.

Write us.

Jim on KCET

As the boomer generation ages, more people are faced with the difficulty of end of life care.  KCET has produced a four part series titled Your Turn to Care to help you if you are in this challenging situation.  I did interviews on three topics: How to Handle Anger, What to Say to a Dying Person, and Tools of a Chaplain.  Check out the KCET interviews here.

Aside

Why The Fuss Reason 3

He can’t wait! Get home, have dinner, spend time with the kids, talk, and later on make love. But she wants to talk about the refinance and look over private school brochures. Disappointment strikes, no love making tonight.

Differing expectations happen easily. We quickly formulate our needs and their answers and place the solution in our expectation out box. She wants to nail down the private school issue and decides tonight will be a good time to do it. He wants intimacy, it’s been a busy week, and tonight will be a good time to do it. They approach the night from different angles on a crash trajectory.

As expectations arise, communicate them as quickly and as far in advance as possible. “Hon, I thought we’d talk over the kid’s school this week, how about Tuesday night?” “We’ll, we haven’t made love in a while, can we spend time together Monday and talk Tuesday?” Now each knows what to expect and when; needs will be met and no one is selfish.

Share expectations often, do so nightly for the next day, or each morning. Often we’ll talk over the week on a Sunday night while getting ready for bed.

When expectations are not met, we take it personally; the same goes for when we feel our expectations will be met. It just makes us feel good.

Why The Fuss Reason 2

Why is decision making so tough? You face a decision, talk it over, and pow, you disagree. “You wanna do what?” The impact of the sudden breach shakes you, emotions flare, and within moments, you argue. Understanding the fuss is tough.

Men think logically, women tend to think emotionally. This is an observation and at times roles can reverse. A man calculates the odds and the economics. A woman will think of what feels best, or how a choice affects other people. He needs a new blue shirt. They shop, he sees it and wants to bag it. “It’s here, we’re here, it’s efficient to buy it now, let’s go.”

She wants to shop around, besides, “It’s the wrong blue.” He’s thinking time management, she’s thinking of how the shirt will look. She doesn’t want people to think her husband can’t dress. He doesn’t care.

She wants to bring a gift when you go to friends for dinner. He says the candle stick is perfect, she says the host might feel slighted. Huh? He’s thinking logically, she’s thinking emotionally.

Discuss reasoning when making a decision to understand your partner’s process. If you disagree give that decision to one or the other. Recognize the decision’s impact on your marriage and decide to let it go if an argument lurks around the corner. A blue shirt is not worth the fuss. Explain your reasoning, try to see your spouse’s point of view, and don’t shoot it down. Somewhere in there is a shirt that works.

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