Repair Your Marriage Now!

Start Repairing Your Marriage Now!

Think of three things you appreciate about your spouse. Find three qualities and let him know.

Building a marriage is not about how you feel. No one cares about feelings. Building a marriage is about doing what works, feelings do not work. Building a marriage is about what you do and how the other person walks away after the doing. Feelings come into play later, but to repair or build a strong marriage focus on what you do that triggers positive reactions in your spouse.

Appreciation works.

Appreciation is the common need in men and women though each respond differently. Here’s how men respond.

For men appreciation fills their sails. It build them up and makes them want to do more for which they were appreciated. Women can use this as a purposeful tool to move their man in a positive direction. “But I’ll feel like a manipulator,” one woman said to us after this advice. My response? Men like to be manipulated in this way. It is how we are built.

Tell your man, “I really appreciate you helping me this evening,” and watch him move to help you more. It is how men work. When appreciated, tasks seems lighter and work easier; creativity soars and life just feels better. Here is how women respond to appreciation.

For women appreciation creates safety. When appreciated women sense a welcome comfort that they are doing well and it heightens their sense of security. Appreciation puts women at ease and causes them to feel loved and creates a drive to be more nurturing, something men need.

Find three qualities you appreciate and tell your spouse. You can be specific, “I appreciate you taking out the trash,” or general, “I appreciate all you do for us.” They each work but the second carries more clout.

Think of three things you appreciate and go share them. Soon. In a day or two you will see your marriage shift.  Visit.

Aside

Why The Fuss Reason 3

He can’t wait! Get home, have dinner, spend time with the kids, talk, and later on make love. But she wants to talk about the refinance and look over private school brochures. Disappointment strikes, no love making tonight.

Differing expectations happen easily. We quickly formulate our needs and their answers and place the solution in our expectation out box. She wants to nail down the private school issue and decides tonight will be a good time to do it. He wants intimacy, it’s been a busy week, and tonight will be a good time to do it. They approach the night from different angles on a crash trajectory.

As expectations arise, communicate them as quickly and as far in advance as possible. “Hon, I thought we’d talk over the kid’s school this week, how about Tuesday night?” “We’ll, we haven’t made love in a while, can we spend time together Monday and talk Tuesday?” Now each knows what to expect and when; needs will be met and no one is selfish.

Share expectations often, do so nightly for the next day, or each morning. Often we’ll talk over the week on a Sunday night while getting ready for bed.

When expectations are not met, we take it personally; the same goes for when we feel our expectations will be met. It just makes us feel good.

Why The Fuss Reason 2

Why is decision making so tough? You face a decision, talk it over, and pow, you disagree. “You wanna do what?” The impact of the sudden breach shakes you, emotions flare, and within moments, you argue. Understanding the fuss is tough.

Men think logically, women tend to think emotionally. This is an observation and at times roles can reverse. A man calculates the odds and the economics. A woman will think of what feels best, or how a choice affects other people. He needs a new blue shirt. They shop, he sees it and wants to bag it. “It’s here, we’re here, it’s efficient to buy it now, let’s go.”

She wants to shop around, besides, “It’s the wrong blue.” He’s thinking time management, she’s thinking of how the shirt will look. She doesn’t want people to think her husband can’t dress. He doesn’t care.

She wants to bring a gift when you go to friends for dinner. He says the candle stick is perfect, she says the host might feel slighted. Huh? He’s thinking logically, she’s thinking emotionally.

Discuss reasoning when making a decision to understand your partner’s process. If you disagree give that decision to one or the other. Recognize the decision’s impact on your marriage and decide to let it go if an argument lurks around the corner. A blue shirt is not worth the fuss. Explain your reasoning, try to see your spouse’s point of view, and don’t shoot it down. Somewhere in there is a shirt that works.

Why The Fuss

Three Reasons why Husbands and Wives Fuss

Reason One

They sit on the couch to watch a movie. He’s been looking forward to time together and who knows maybe afterward lovin’ will follow. The fire is glowing and popcorn is in the bowl, the movie starts up.

She reaches drags the laundry basket over and begins to fold clothes, or stitch a blouse, or look over her checkbook for that missing deposit. He looks with disbelief and his temp rises. Fifteen minutes into the movie he’s in a huff and the night tailspins. What happened?

Women are great at multitasking, men are just okay. Men like to focus, it helps them complete a task like fixing a drain. Women can spread attention out, it helps them take care of kids in the middle of working on a spreadsheet. Men hate the interruption.

This basic difference is a major cause of fussing in most marriages. In the scene above he felt his wife rude and not in the movie with him. In short he felt rejected. See if this multitasking difference affects your marriage and if so discuss how you can fix it.  Agree to parameters.

Laura will mention that she wants to fold a basket of towels then, “I’ll be with you.” She is already with me but the multitasking makes me feel she is distant. Knowing the multitasking will last a short while, I am fine and realize that this is not a rejection, just the way she is. Next reason in a few days.

Pre-Marriage Education Workshop

Engaged?  Consider a pre-marriage workshop.
July 24, 1-5 pm in Pasadena CA.

Lay a great foundation for your future.  This four-hour workshop will help you communicate better, deal with money and children, and iron out personality and character.  And you will learn how to insure better intimacy.  The cost: $199.00. July 24th afternoon 1-5. The class is fun and non threatening. You will receive a booklet, worksheets and refreshments will be served. To reserve a space please call or click contact above and send an email.  626-676-3651.  See more here.

How To Listen

Listen with Your Heart

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice,

you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me

why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do

something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen.

All I asked was that you listen. Not to talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap.

Ten cents will get you both Dear Abby and Bill Graham in the same newspaper.

And I can do that for myself.

I’m not helpless.

Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,

you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But, when you accept as a single fact that I do feel what I feel,

no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince

you and get to the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk,

wait a minute for your turn; and I’ll listen to you.

CoachOurMarriage

After the Argument

So you blew it and had a big blow out. What do you do after the argument?

You want to fight!?

First, let your anger cool. Whether a few hours or a day, allow your anger to settle. Next, sort out impulse thoughts from reality. An impulse thought is one fueled by emotion, in this case anger. “What a witch, she always ignores me to ding me. She needs to learn to be more sensitive.” “He’s stupid, can’t even remember to do the littlest thing. He needs a dose of discipline.”  Share these thoughts  and you’ll reignite the battle. Here is your next step.

After your anger has cooled and your thoughts are more rational, follow this principle: approach your spouse with what you need to reconnect.  If you need her to take responsibility for her action, approach her by taking responsibility. Say, “Hon, I take responsibility for my part of the blowout.” Chances are greater that she will respond in kind, that she will take responsibility for her action or words.

Don’t tell her what she should do. “Hon, you need to take responsibility for your action.” She will not do it. Humans do not respond well to commands or “you shoulds.” If you want her to say she is sorry, then say you are sorry. If you want him to say he’ll try harder, say you will try harder. Think of what you need, what the marriage needs, and offer it. “What if she does not respond?”  Stay in that step until she does.  Keep reaffirming your part, keep saying you apologize.

Next, tell her what you will do in light of taking responsibility for your part. “I will work on my anger.” Then give a practical step. “I will buy that book, take that class, get coaching.” Again, she will respond in kind, “And I will be more careful with my sharp tongue and soften my delivery.”

Finally, ask forgiveness. “Please forgive me for what I did, said, etc.” Your spouse will likely say he/she forgives you and ask you to do the same. Now you are in good territory. The last step is to hug. And that’s easy. This is called a repair and if you don’t have them in your marriage it will fall apart.

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