Repair Your Marriage Now!

Start Repairing Your Marriage Now!

Think of three things you appreciate about your spouse. Find three qualities and let him know.

Building a marriage is not about how you feel. No one cares about feelings. Building a marriage is about doing what works, feelings do not work. Building a marriage is about what you do and how the other person walks away after the doing. Feelings come into play later, but to repair or build a strong marriage focus on what you do that triggers positive reactions in your spouse.

Appreciation works.

Appreciation is the common need in men and women though each respond differently. Here’s how men respond.

For men appreciation fills their sails. It build them up and makes them want to do more for which they were appreciated. Women can use this as a purposeful tool to move their man in a positive direction. “But I’ll feel like a manipulator,” one woman said to us after this advice. My response? Men like to be manipulated in this way. It is how we are built.

Tell your man, “I really appreciate you helping me this evening,” and watch him move to help you more. It is how men work. When appreciated, tasks seems lighter and work easier; creativity soars and life just feels better. Here is how women respond to appreciation.

For women appreciation creates safety. When appreciated women sense a welcome comfort that they are doing well and it heightens their sense of security. Appreciation puts women at ease and causes them to feel loved and creates a drive to be more nurturing, something men need.

Find three qualities you appreciate and tell your spouse. You can be specific, “I appreciate you taking out the trash,” or general, “I appreciate all you do for us.” They each work but the second carries more clout.

Think of three things you appreciate and go share them. Soon. In a day or two you will see your marriage shift.  Visit.

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Aside

Why The Fuss Reason 3

He can’t wait! Get home, have dinner, spend time with the kids, talk, and later on make love. But she wants to talk about the refinance and look over private school brochures. Disappointment strikes, no love making tonight.

Differing expectations happen easily. We quickly formulate our needs and their answers and place the solution in our expectation out box. She wants to nail down the private school issue and decides tonight will be a good time to do it. He wants intimacy, it’s been a busy week, and tonight will be a good time to do it. They approach the night from different angles on a crash trajectory.

As expectations arise, communicate them as quickly and as far in advance as possible. “Hon, I thought we’d talk over the kid’s school this week, how about Tuesday night?” “We’ll, we haven’t made love in a while, can we spend time together Monday and talk Tuesday?” Now each knows what to expect and when; needs will be met and no one is selfish.

Share expectations often, do so nightly for the next day, or each morning. Often we’ll talk over the week on a Sunday night while getting ready for bed.

When expectations are not met, we take it personally; the same goes for when we feel our expectations will be met. It just makes us feel good.

Suspended Argumotion

Stop Argumotion

Stop Argumotion

Couples move in patterns that trigger arguments. I call this argumotion.  That pattern sets in motion a journey that leads to fussing and fighting.  We repeatedly hear wives say, “The same ol’ thing happens over and over and we fight.”

It may be about food, work, the house, or sex, but the familiar patterns lead to the same result. Next time this happens try something new.

When you feel a fuss coming on, stop and tune in to your feelings.  If he says something sharp, ask yourself if you feel unheard, rejected, or disrespected?  Name the emotion.

Next, shift gears and talk about the emotion. Say, “Right now I am feeling rejected.”  Be careful to not place blame on your partner, so add. “I am not blaming you, just letting you know what I am feeling.”

Discussing the emotion puts you on a deeper relationship track.   You might be surprised to learn about his emotion; he may feel criticized.  Deal with that emotion through forgiveness.

Shifting from details to emotion gets you to the heart of the problem, adds a new element, and breaks the old pattern.   A new pattern means a new result.  And you add forgiveness to your mix.  This sounds simple and a little innocent, but give it a try, it works.

CoachOurMarriage

Argument Anatomy

Arguments Hurt

Arguments can strike like a rattler in the brush; in seconds you find yourself aching from poisoned words. The Argument Anatomy will help you understand argument components and diffuse the fuss.

The Emotion. No matter who said or did what, emotion is the stuff that boils your blood. Anger, jealousy, rejection, resentment can hijack your relationship and ruin the day.
The Need.
The need to prove you are right. “I did tell you large can of tomatoes not a small one, now dinner’s ruined.” “I did say I’d be gone Saturday afternoon you just did not hear.” When the need to prove grows stronger than the need for relationship you lose at love.
The Event
. What set off the fireworks: the forgotten call, the uncapped toothpaste for the hundredth time, or the socks on the floor. The event triggers the emotions that set up the need to prove you are right.
The Issue
. The true reason for fighting: you felt unheard, ignored, belittled, or criticized. It is not the toothpaste cap that set you off, it is feeling he never cares about you; it is not your reminder to mail the letter, it is that he fears criticism.
What To Do
Cool the emotion – call time out until the emotions settle down. Next, drop the need to be right. You can be right or relational, make a choice. If you always insist on being right, in ten years you may be right out the door.
Next, apologize for the event. Just say it, “Forgive me for leaving my socks out.” Finally, discuss the issue not the event. After you apologize for the event, seek out the true issue. “Did I make you feel neglected?” “Did you feel criticized?” If the answer is yes, apologize and work on erasing the issue.  CoachOurMarriage

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CoachOurMarriage

Jim & Laura

Jim & Laura

Hello,

Welcome to CoachOurMarriage.  We cover all things marriage from pre-marriage coaching to weddings to helping couples strengthen their relationship. If you are planning a wedding or need coaching, please visit CoachOurMarriage for more information. We are dedicated to your marriage and would love to hear from you.

Jim

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