Broken Trust part 2

Healing Trust

Part one talked about broken trust and how it damages a marriage.  Here are a few more tips to heal broken trust.

Forgive
Choose to forgive anyone who hurt you.  Try to see the breach from their viewpoint, maybe they did not intend to hurt you and are blind to your pain.  After forgiving – you are not condoning their action, just cleansing your heart – find a positive thought about that person.  If possible talk with them, but no need to stir up ancient history.

Promise
Another way to build trust is through small acts.  Make a small promise with your spouse and then keep it.  “Friday we will do dinner and see a movie.”  Keeping promises rebuilds trust.

Make A Swap
If you make shoes yet need a coat and meet a shoeless person who makes coats, you can swap goods.  If you are happy with your swap trust develops, if the coat is cheap trust fractures.  Find what your spouse needs and think of how you can meet that need, then make a swap. Discuss what you each value and then determine to honor each other’s value.  If a wife values listening, then husband makes a concerted effort to listen, if he values touch then give a hug.

Delayed Reaction
Your swap may not reciprocate immediately.  For example, a wife may encourage her husband and not receive her return right a way.  Yet, next week she may need his assurance and he gives it.  It is this expectation that strengthens trust.  Expecting Laura to be there for me enables me to live in a pool of trust.

Four More Healing Ways
Create a healing environment.  Discuss making your home a safe place where trust can grow. Develop hope in people. Target ways to strengthen hope interacting with someone safe. Reduce competition.  Eliminate any competition between you and your spouse, include your children.  Begin a plan to believe the best of yourself. Determine to offer compliments to reveal the best of each other.  CoachOurMarriage
Do you have tips to develop trust?  Share them by writing us.

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Broken Trust part 1

A Weak Foundation

 

How is your trust level?  Trust provides the bedrock to any relationship.  Fractured trust causes us to play life close to the vest and weakens our marriage.

What is trust?

• The ability to share feelings confidently.
• Feeling safe and supported even in weakness.
• Assuming others will not intentionally hurt you.
• A sense of acceptance and stability.
• A sense that nothing will disrupt your relationship.
• The ability to let others in your life.
• The ability to care and help each other grow.

How Trust Crumbles.
Past hurts like feeling misunderstood, belittled, or ignored can injure trust. Strong grief from death, abandonment, or a hostile divorce can fracture trust as well as a volatile upbringing, little attention, or rejection.
People with fractured trust feel the following: I will be hurt again, people are out to get me, I cannot let down my guard, loved ones always hurt you, I cannot trust men/women, healthy relationships do not exist.
Trusting means exposing your weakness with the expectation of not being exploited.  In a family, exposing your heart should be safe with no fear of exploitation; feeling unsafe is a sign of broken trust.

Healing
Low trust means you fear being hurt.  You heal trust by conquering the fear of emotional pain.  We cannot avoid that fact that humans hurt each other, it is what you do with that pain that affects your trust level.  Keeping the pain allows it to fester, throwing it overboard cleanses your life.  Find a replacement for pain, think of someone you know who loves and trust you and build on that foundation. CoachOurMarriage

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The Blame Game

The Blame Game

Do you and your spouse play the blame game?

Blame sparks battles and shreds relationship.  To strengthen your marriage cry, “game over.” Here’s how.

Blame shifts responsibility.  Check out this example.
Sherry called her husband.  His cell was off.  Rejection boiled and exploded to an afternoon of seething.  When he arrived home, she let him have it, “Why was your cell off, I called all day, where were you?”
“Back off, I was in a meeting and switched it off.”
“You never think when it comes to me!”
As they slung blame on each other they ignited a full-blown argument.  There is a better way.

Shawn’s not answering his cell pushed Sherry’s rejection button – she allowed insecurity to turn to fear and brew to anger.  She blamed him when she could have taken responsibility for her insecurity. Blaming each other is easier than accepting responsibility for an issue, but blame always fails, forgiveness succeeds.

When we refuse responsibility, we blame our spouse.  They set up a defense and war follows.  So, here is the cure, when you get triggered, stop and ask two questions: “What am I feeling?” Is it anger, rejection, or neglect?  Then ask, “What is the source?”  Did your parents treat you this way?  Next, tell your spouse about the trigger and discuss the source.  Sherry should have taken responsibility for her rejection.  “Today when you did not answer your cell, I felt a flood of rejection.  My father treated me this way.” Shawn could have apologized for being insensitive to her pain.

By taking responsibility and talking you avoid an argument and find your way to healing yourself and your marriage.  Taking responsibility and talking things out; it’s a better game.  CoachOurMarriage

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