Why The Fuss Reason 3

He can’t wait! Get home, have dinner, spend time with the kids, talk, and later on make love. But she wants to talk about the refinance and look over private school brochures. Disappointment strikes, no love making tonight.

Differing expectations happen easily. We quickly formulate our needs and their answers and place the solution in our expectation out box. She wants to nail down the private school issue and decides tonight will be a good time to do it. He wants intimacy, it’s been a busy week, and tonight will be a good time to do it. They approach the night from different angles on a crash trajectory.

As expectations arise, communicate them as quickly and as far in advance as possible. “Hon, I thought we’d talk over the kid’s school this week, how about Tuesday night?” “We’ll, we haven’t made love in a while, can we spend time together Monday and talk Tuesday?” Now each knows what to expect and when; needs will be met and no one is selfish.

Share expectations often, do so nightly for the next day, or each morning. Often we’ll talk over the week on a Sunday night while getting ready for bed.

When expectations are not met, we take it personally; the same goes for when we feel our expectations will be met. It just makes us feel good.

Suspended Argumotion

Stop Argumotion

Stop Argumotion

Couples move in patterns that trigger arguments. I call this argumotion.  That pattern sets in motion a journey that leads to fussing and fighting.  We repeatedly hear wives say, “The same ol’ thing happens over and over and we fight.”

It may be about food, work, the house, or sex, but the familiar patterns lead to the same result. Next time this happens try something new.

When you feel a fuss coming on, stop and tune in to your feelings.  If he says something sharp, ask yourself if you feel unheard, rejected, or disrespected?  Name the emotion.

Next, shift gears and talk about the emotion. Say, “Right now I am feeling rejected.”  Be careful to not place blame on your partner, so add. “I am not blaming you, just letting you know what I am feeling.”

Discussing the emotion puts you on a deeper relationship track.   You might be surprised to learn about his emotion; he may feel criticized.  Deal with that emotion through forgiveness.

Shifting from details to emotion gets you to the heart of the problem, adds a new element, and breaks the old pattern.   A new pattern means a new result.  And you add forgiveness to your mix.  This sounds simple and a little innocent, but give it a try, it works.

CoachOurMarriage

The Blame Game

The Blame Game

The Blame Game

Do you and your spouse play the blame game?

Blame sparks battles and shreds relationship.  To strengthen your marriage cry, “game over.” Here’s how.

Blame shifts responsibility.  Check out this example.
Sherry called her husband.  His cell was off.  Rejection boiled and exploded to an afternoon of seething.  When he arrived home, she let him have it, “Why was your cell off, I called all day, where were you?”
“Back off, I was in a meeting and switched it off.”
“You never think when it comes to me!”
As they slung blame on each other they ignited a full-blown argument.  There is a better way.

Shawn’s not answering his cell pushed Sherry’s rejection button – she allowed insecurity to turn to fear and brew to anger.  She blamed him when she could have taken responsibility for her insecurity.
Blaming each other is easier than accepting responsibility for an issue, but blame always fails, forgiveness succeeds.

When we refuse responsibility, we blame our spouse.  They set up a defense and war follows.  So, here is the cure, when you get triggered, stop and ask two questions: “What am I feeling?” Is it anger, rejection, or neglect?  Then ask, “What is the source?”  Did your parents treat you this way?  Next, tell your spouse about the trigger and discuss the source.  Sherry should have taken responsibility for her rejection.  “Today when you did not answer your cell, I felt a flood of rejection.  My father treated me this way.” Shawn could have apologized for being insensitive to her pain.

By taking responsibility and talking you avoid an argument and find your way to healing yourself and your marriage.  Taking responsibility and talking things out; it’s a better game.  CoachOurMarriage

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