Why The Fuss Reason 2

Why is decision making so tough? You face a decision, talk it over, and pow, you disagree. “You wanna do what?” The impact of the sudden breach shakes you, emotions flare, and within moments, you argue. Understanding the fuss is tough.

Men think logically, women tend to think emotionally. This is an observation and at times roles can reverse. A man calculates the odds and the economics. A woman will think of what feels best, or how a choice affects other people. He needs a new blue shirt. They shop, he sees it and wants to bag it. “It’s here, we’re here, it’s efficient to buy it now, let’s go.”

She wants to shop around, besides, “It’s the wrong blue.” He’s thinking time management, she’s thinking of how the shirt will look. She doesn’t want people to think her husband can’t dress. He doesn’t care.

She wants to bring a gift when you go to friends for dinner. He says the candle stick is perfect, she says the host might feel slighted. Huh? He’s thinking logically, she’s thinking emotionally.

Discuss reasoning when making a decision to understand your partner’s process. If you disagree give that decision to one or the other. Recognize the decision’s impact on your marriage and decide to let it go if an argument lurks around the corner. A blue shirt is not worth the fuss. Explain your reasoning, try to see your spouse’s point of view, and don’t shoot it down. Somewhere in there is a shirt that works.

Why The Fuss

Three Reasons why Husbands and Wives Fuss

Reason One

They sit on the couch to watch a movie. He’s been looking forward to time together and who knows maybe afterward lovin’ will follow. The fire is glowing and popcorn is in the bowl, the movie starts up.

She reaches drags the laundry basket over and begins to fold clothes, or stitch a blouse, or look over her checkbook for that missing deposit. He looks with disbelief and his temp rises. Fifteen minutes into the movie he’s in a huff and the night tailspins. What happened?

Women are great at multitasking, men are just okay. Men like to focus, it helps them complete a task like fixing a drain. Women can spread attention out, it helps them take care of kids in the middle of working on a spreadsheet. Men hate the interruption.

This basic difference is a major cause of fussing in most marriages. In the scene above he felt his wife rude and not in the movie with him. In short he felt rejected. See if this multitasking difference affects your marriage and if so discuss how you can fix it.  Agree to parameters.

Laura will mention that she wants to fold a basket of towels then, “I’ll be with you.” She is already with me but the multitasking makes me feel she is distant. Knowing the multitasking will last a short while, I am fine and realize that this is not a rejection, just the way she is. Next reason in a few days.

Suspended Argumotion

Stop Argumotion

Stop Argumotion

Couples move in patterns that trigger arguments. I call this argumotion.  That pattern sets in motion a journey that leads to fussing and fighting.  We repeatedly hear wives say, “The same ol’ thing happens over and over and we fight.”

It may be about food, work, the house, or sex, but the familiar patterns lead to the same result. Next time this happens try something new.

When you feel a fuss coming on, stop and tune in to your feelings.  If he says something sharp, ask yourself if you feel unheard, rejected, or disrespected?  Name the emotion.

Next, shift gears and talk about the emotion. Say, “Right now I am feeling rejected.”  Be careful to not place blame on your partner, so add. “I am not blaming you, just letting you know what I am feeling.”

Discussing the emotion puts you on a deeper relationship track.   You might be surprised to learn about his emotion; he may feel criticized.  Deal with that emotion through forgiveness.

Shifting from details to emotion gets you to the heart of the problem, adds a new element, and breaks the old pattern.   A new pattern means a new result.  And you add forgiveness to your mix.  This sounds simple and a little innocent, but give it a try, it works.

CoachOurMarriage

Argument Anatomy

Arguments Hurt

Arguments can strike like a rattler in the brush; in seconds you find yourself aching from poisoned words. The Argument Anatomy will help you understand argument components and diffuse the fuss.

The Emotion. No matter who said or did what, emotion is the stuff that boils your blood. Anger, jealousy, rejection, resentment can hijack your relationship and ruin the day.
The Need.
The need to prove you are right. “I did tell you large can of tomatoes not a small one, now dinner’s ruined.” “I did say I’d be gone Saturday afternoon you just did not hear.” When the need to prove grows stronger than the need for relationship you lose at love.
The Event
. What set off the fireworks: the forgotten call, the uncapped toothpaste for the hundredth time, or the socks on the floor. The event triggers the emotions that set up the need to prove you are right.
The Issue
. The true reason for fighting: you felt unheard, ignored, belittled, or criticized. It is not the toothpaste cap that set you off, it is feeling he never cares about you; it is not your reminder to mail the letter, it is that he fears criticism.
What To Do
Cool the emotion – call time out until the emotions settle down. Next, drop the need to be right. You can be right or relational, make a choice. If you always insist on being right, in ten years you may be right out the door.
Next, apologize for the event. Just say it, “Forgive me for leaving my socks out.” Finally, discuss the issue not the event. After you apologize for the event, seek out the true issue. “Did I make you feel neglected?” “Did you feel criticized?” If the answer is yes, apologize and work on erasing the issue.  CoachOurMarriage

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