Suspended Argumotion

Stop Argumotion

Stop Argumotion

Couples move in patterns that trigger arguments. I call this argumotion.  That pattern sets in motion a journey that leads to fussing and fighting.  We repeatedly hear wives say, “The same ol’ thing happens over and over and we fight.”

It may be about food, work, the house, or sex, but the familiar patterns lead to the same result. Next time this happens try something new.

When you feel a fuss coming on, stop and tune in to your feelings.  If he says something sharp, ask yourself if you feel unheard, rejected, or disrespected?  Name the emotion.

Next, shift gears and talk about the emotion. Say, “Right now I am feeling rejected.”  Be careful to not place blame on your partner, so add. “I am not blaming you, just letting you know what I am feeling.”

Discussing the emotion puts you on a deeper relationship track.   You might be surprised to learn about his emotion; he may feel criticized.  Deal with that emotion through forgiveness.

Shifting from details to emotion gets you to the heart of the problem, adds a new element, and breaks the old pattern.   A new pattern means a new result.  And you add forgiveness to your mix.  This sounds simple and a little innocent, but give it a try, it works.

CoachOurMarriage

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Broken Trust part 2

Healing Trust

Healing Trust

Part one talked about broken trust and how it damages a marriage.  Here are a few more tips to heal broken trust.

Forgive
Choose to forgive anyone who hurt you.  Try to see the breach from their viewpoint, maybe they did not intend to hurt you and are blind to your pain.  After forgiving – you are not condoning their action, just cleansing your heart – find a positive thought about that person.  If possible talk with them, but no need to stir up ancient history.

Promise
Another way to build trust is through small acts.  Make a small promise with your spouse and then keep it.  “Friday we will do dinner and see a movie.”  Keeping promises rebuilds trust.

Make A Swap

If you make shoes yet need a coat and meet a shoeless person who makes coats, you can swap goods.  If you are happy with your swap trust develops, if the coat is cheap trust fractures.  Find what your spouse needs and think of how you can meet that need, then make a swap. Discuss what you each value and then determine to honor each other’s value.  If a wife values listening, then husband makes a concerted effort to listen, if he values touch then give a hug.


Delayed Reaction

Your swap may not reciprocate immediately.  For example, a wife may encourage her husband and not receive her return right a way.  Yet, next week she may need his assurance and he gives it.  It is this expectation that strengthens trust.  Expecting Laura to be there for me enables me to live in a pool of trust.


Four More Healing Ways

Create
a healing environment.  Discuss making your home a safe place where trust can grow. Develop hope in people. Target ways to strengthen hope interacting with someone safe. Reduce competition.  Eliminate any competition between you and your spouse, include your children.  Begin a plan to believe the best of yourself. Determine to offer compliments to reveal the best of each other.  CoachOurMarriage
Do you have tips to develop trust?  Share them by
writing us.

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Broken Trust part 1

A Weak Foundation

A Weak Foundation

 

How is your trust level?  Trust provides the bedrock to any relationship.  Fractured trust causes us to play life close to the vest and weakens our marriage.

What is trust?

  • The ability to share feelings confidently.
  • Feeling safe and supported even in weakness.
  • Assuming others will not intentionally hurt you.
  • A sense of acceptance and stability.
  • A sense that nothing will disrupt your relationship.
  • The ability to let others in your life.
  • The ability to care and help each other grow.

How Trust Crumbles.
Past hurts like feeling misunderstood, belittled, or ignored can injure trust. Strong grief from death, abandonment, or a hostile divorce can fracture trust as well as a volatile upbringing, little attention, or rejection.
People with fractured trust feel the following: I will be hurt again, people are out to get me, I cannot let down my guard, loved ones always hurt you,
I cannot trust men/women, healthy relationships do not exist.
Trusting means exposing your weakness with the expectation of not being exploited.  In a family, exposing your heart should be safe with no fear of exploitation; feeling unsafe is a sign of broken trust.


Healing

Low trust means you fear being hurt.  You heal trust by conquering the fear of emotional pain.  We cannot avoid that fact that humans hurt each other, it is what you do with that pain that affects your trust level.  Keeping the pain allows it to fester, throwing it overboard cleanses your life.  Find a replacement for pain, think of someone you know who loves and trust you and build on that foundation. CoachOurMarriage

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