The Switches in a Man’s Mind

In a man’s head are a few switches. Here’s how he works when these switches get flipped.It's On or Off

His build switch. When this switch gets flipped he begins to fix; he tears down, moves rubble and builds. This switch flips when he hears a problem. That’s why listening is difficult. You voice a concern just to vent and be heard, the build switch flips and he tries to fix you. It is hard for him to do nothing.

His fight switch. Flip this switch and fur flies. His emotions evaporate and he seeks to destroy. Good if you are attacked in a parking lot, bad if he sees you as the enemy. This is why he can say mean things about you, the kids, the house.  He may regret actions later, but now it’s search and destroy.  A husband needs to manage his warrior switch. A wife needs to avoid it. In some men this switch is too easily flicked and their aggression is too severe, these men are abusive and need help. They should be avoided.

His charm switch. His most beguiling switch connects to his needs.  He needs comfort, encouragement, and love; when those needs arise his charm switch flips and the romantic gentleman appears. His needs fall under the categories of food, comfort, encouragement, and sex. When these go unmet for along time his building switch flips. When that fails his warrior switch flips. When allowed to access his emotions he can funnel them through his charm circuitry and avoid the building and warrior switches, when he can’t, look out.

Men little understand these switches, only that they work. He is either building, fighting, or needing. The more he learns about these switches the better he can control their results. These switches are why men are doers and not talkers. It is why they like sports. Sports combine building – the game plan – and fighting – the game.

Because of these switches men find it hard to understand women. He can learn, but it takes time and teaching, and a little less switch flipping.

Argument Anatomy

Arguments Hurt

Arguments can strike like a rattler in the brush; in seconds you find yourself aching from poisoned words. The Argument Anatomy will help you understand argument components and diffuse the fuss.

The Emotion. No matter who said or did what, emotion is the stuff that boils your blood. Anger, jealousy, rejection, resentment can hijack your relationship and ruin the day.
The Need.
The need to prove you are right. “I did tell you large can of tomatoes not a small one, now dinner’s ruined.” “I did say I’d be gone Saturday afternoon you just did not hear.” When the need to prove grows stronger than the need for relationship you lose at love.
The Event
. What set off the fireworks: the forgotten call, the uncapped toothpaste for the hundredth time, or the socks on the floor. The event triggers the emotions that set up the need to prove you are right.
The Issue
. The true reason for fighting: you felt unheard, ignored, belittled, or criticized. It is not the toothpaste cap that set you off, it is feeling he never cares about you; it is not your reminder to mail the letter, it is that he fears criticism.
What To Do
Cool the emotion – call time out until the emotions settle down. Next, drop the need to be right. You can be right or relational, make a choice. If you always insist on being right, in ten years you may be right out the door.
Next, apologize for the event. Just say it, “Forgive me for leaving my socks out.” Finally, discuss the issue not the event. After you apologize for the event, seek out the true issue. “Did I make you feel neglected?” “Did you feel criticized?” If the answer is yes, apologize and work on erasing the issue.  CoachOurMarriage

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