How to be a Good Husband

Hey Guy.  A few tips to make her happy — and eventually you, too!

  • Get home from work at a decent hour.  Ask her what’s decent.
  • Sit down for 5 minutes and tell her something about your day and how you feel about it.
  • When you talk to her, look at her.
  • Play with the kids.
  • Help with dinner.
  • Pay her a compliment.  Think clothes, hair, face, jewelry, what she means to you.
  • Be present when home.
  • Make her feel she is first in your life.

Ladies and Men, if you have suggestions, please send them in.

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Help Us Communicate

Talk to Me

Our communication is in shambles, we hardly talk and when we do we fight. Help us to talk and not argue. Sandra


Dear Sandra,
I hear your pain and know that all who read this feel for you.  Communication is important and affects the whole family.  Here is how we would handle a coaching situation.

1. Set Your Goal.
First, we set a goal of safe communication and a peaceful atmosphere. You should feel that you can share a concern without starting a war. Setting a goal of safe communication changes your mind set and gets you open to solutions.

2. Find the Cause.
We want to find the communication breakdown.  Often an issue like anger wrecks communication and hurts everyone.  Let’s use anger as the breakdown issue.  If anger infests you home, we will chase it out.  Here is how we can handle it.

3. Find The Real Story
The real story behind anger is called drama.  Drama happens when anger lasts too long. We will look for the story held by the angry person.  Dealing with an angry person is tricky, but  “A soft answer turns away wrath.”  We will offer language tips to help avoid the anger.

Once we find the story behind the anger we can talk about the story.   Talking about the story puts you on the recovery road.  Now we can find out how that story relates to your marriage and how to change it.

If you have a question you would like answered, send it in. It will be confidential unless you want your name on it.

Thanks for reading, we hope to hear from you! Jim & Laura Write us

Suspended Argumotion

Stop Argumotion

Stop Argumotion

Couples move in patterns that trigger arguments. I call this argumotion.  That pattern sets in motion a journey that leads to fussing and fighting.  We repeatedly hear wives say, “The same ol’ thing happens over and over and we fight.”

It may be about food, work, the house, or sex, but the familiar patterns lead to the same result. Next time this happens try something new.

When you feel a fuss coming on, stop and tune in to your feelings.  If he says something sharp, ask yourself if you feel unheard, rejected, or disrespected?  Name the emotion.

Next, shift gears and talk about the emotion. Say, “Right now I am feeling rejected.”  Be careful to not place blame on your partner, so add. “I am not blaming you, just letting you know what I am feeling.”

Discussing the emotion puts you on a deeper relationship track.   You might be surprised to learn about his emotion; he may feel criticized.  Deal with that emotion through forgiveness.

Shifting from details to emotion gets you to the heart of the problem, adds a new element, and breaks the old pattern.   A new pattern means a new result.  And you add forgiveness to your mix.  This sounds simple and a little innocent, but give it a try, it works.

CoachOurMarriage

The Secret of Rebuilding

Need a fix?

Need a fix?

Concrete Castle

How do successful couples stay successful? When storms strike, they rebuild. They switch to rebuild mode to fix their marriage castle.

Ever build a sand castle? You hug the shoreline to pack the sand, but the edge of your art work flirts with danger.  Suddenly, a wave hits.  What do you do?  You scream and rebuild.  It is the only way to preserve the masterpiece on which you’ve spent so much energy.  Do the same with your marriage.

Unsuccessful couples do nothing in between challenges.  Each successive challenge erodes more of their castle erasing all definition.  Soon they stare at a mound that once was their beautiful marriage. Consider rebuilding to strengthen your marriage. Here’s how.

When a challenge hits employ forgiveness. Don’t say “sorry” say “forgive me” and listen. Next, find humor for the challenge, learn to laugh. Here is a good tip: List the positive qualities of your spouse and later thank him/her for them. While writing the list, work on respect and admiration.  Think of what works in your relationship and go for those things.  If walks work, take walk.  If sex makes you feel close, well.

During the good times do not accept cruise control.  Think of each other, send emails, and call.  Focus on positive aspects, reinforce things you like. During a challenge, react with sympathy instead of a defensive posture. Always rebuild so when the next wave rushes in you are stronger.

By rebuilding you strengthen your marriage and tighten romance.  Eventually your sandcastle strengthens to a concrete sanctuary against which the storms have little effect.

Here are exercises to help.   If your spouse will not play, pick one and just begin talking to him/her about it.

  • Reminisce about how you met.
  • Tell each other two wonderful qualities you admire.
  • Discuss one thing that works in your marriage.
  • Tell each other one physical feature you admire.
  • Retell a wonderful marriage memory.
  • Discuss favorite things: music, food, movies, outings, etc.

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Broken Trust part 2

Healing Trust

Healing Trust

Part one talked about broken trust and how it damages a marriage.  Here are a few more tips to heal broken trust.

Forgive
Choose to forgive anyone who hurt you.  Try to see the breach from their viewpoint, maybe they did not intend to hurt you and are blind to your pain.  After forgiving – you are not condoning their action, just cleansing your heart – find a positive thought about that person.  If possible talk with them, but no need to stir up ancient history.

Promise
Another way to build trust is through small acts.  Make a small promise with your spouse and then keep it.  “Friday we will do dinner and see a movie.”  Keeping promises rebuilds trust.

Make A Swap

If you make shoes yet need a coat and meet a shoeless person who makes coats, you can swap goods.  If you are happy with your swap trust develops, if the coat is cheap trust fractures.  Find what your spouse needs and think of how you can meet that need, then make a swap. Discuss what you each value and then determine to honor each other’s value.  If a wife values listening, then husband makes a concerted effort to listen, if he values touch then give a hug.


Delayed Reaction

Your swap may not reciprocate immediately.  For example, a wife may encourage her husband and not receive her return right a way.  Yet, next week she may need his assurance and he gives it.  It is this expectation that strengthens trust.  Expecting Laura to be there for me enables me to live in a pool of trust.


Four More Healing Ways

Create
a healing environment.  Discuss making your home a safe place where trust can grow. Develop hope in people. Target ways to strengthen hope interacting with someone safe. Reduce competition.  Eliminate any competition between you and your spouse, include your children.  Begin a plan to believe the best of yourself. Determine to offer compliments to reveal the best of each other.  CoachOurMarriage
Do you have tips to develop trust?  Share them by
writing us.

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Broken Trust part 1

A Weak Foundation

A Weak Foundation

 

How is your trust level?  Trust provides the bedrock to any relationship.  Fractured trust causes us to play life close to the vest and weakens our marriage.

What is trust?

  • The ability to share feelings confidently.
  • Feeling safe and supported even in weakness.
  • Assuming others will not intentionally hurt you.
  • A sense of acceptance and stability.
  • A sense that nothing will disrupt your relationship.
  • The ability to let others in your life.
  • The ability to care and help each other grow.

How Trust Crumbles.
Past hurts like feeling misunderstood, belittled, or ignored can injure trust. Strong grief from death, abandonment, or a hostile divorce can fracture trust as well as a volatile upbringing, little attention, or rejection.
People with fractured trust feel the following: I will be hurt again, people are out to get me, I cannot let down my guard, loved ones always hurt you,
I cannot trust men/women, healthy relationships do not exist.
Trusting means exposing your weakness with the expectation of not being exploited.  In a family, exposing your heart should be safe with no fear of exploitation; feeling unsafe is a sign of broken trust.


Healing

Low trust means you fear being hurt.  You heal trust by conquering the fear of emotional pain.  We cannot avoid that fact that humans hurt each other, it is what you do with that pain that affects your trust level.  Keeping the pain allows it to fester, throwing it overboard cleanses your life.  Find a replacement for pain, think of someone you know who loves and trust you and build on that foundation. CoachOurMarriage

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The Blame Game

The Blame Game

The Blame Game

Do you and your spouse play the blame game?

Blame sparks battles and shreds relationship.  To strengthen your marriage cry, “game over.” Here’s how.

Blame shifts responsibility.  Check out this example.
Sherry called her husband.  His cell was off.  Rejection boiled and exploded to an afternoon of seething.  When he arrived home, she let him have it, “Why was your cell off, I called all day, where were you?”
“Back off, I was in a meeting and switched it off.”
“You never think when it comes to me!”
As they slung blame on each other they ignited a full-blown argument.  There is a better way.

Shawn’s not answering his cell pushed Sherry’s rejection button – she allowed insecurity to turn to fear and brew to anger.  She blamed him when she could have taken responsibility for her insecurity.
Blaming each other is easier than accepting responsibility for an issue, but blame always fails, forgiveness succeeds.

When we refuse responsibility, we blame our spouse.  They set up a defense and war follows.  So, here is the cure, when you get triggered, stop and ask two questions: “What am I feeling?” Is it anger, rejection, or neglect?  Then ask, “What is the source?”  Did your parents treat you this way?  Next, tell your spouse about the trigger and discuss the source.  Sherry should have taken responsibility for her rejection.  “Today when you did not answer your cell, I felt a flood of rejection.  My father treated me this way.” Shawn could have apologized for being insensitive to her pain.

By taking responsibility and talking you avoid an argument and find your way to healing yourself and your marriage.  Taking responsibility and talking things out; it’s a better game.  CoachOurMarriage

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