Argument Anatomy

Arguments Hurt

Arguments can strike like a rattler in the brush; in seconds you find yourself aching from poisoned words. The Argument Anatomy will help you understand argument components and diffuse the fuss.

The Emotion. No matter who said or did what, emotion is the stuff that boils your blood. Anger, jealousy, rejection, resentment can hijack your relationship and ruin the day.
The Need.
The need to prove you are right. “I did tell you large can of tomatoes not a small one, now dinner’s ruined.” “I did say I’d be gone Saturday afternoon you just did not hear.” When the need to prove grows stronger than the need for relationship you lose at love.
The Event
. What set off the fireworks: the forgotten call, the uncapped toothpaste for the hundredth time, or the socks on the floor. The event triggers the emotions that set up the need to prove you are right.
The Issue
. The true reason for fighting: you felt unheard, ignored, belittled, or criticized. It is not the toothpaste cap that set you off, it is feeling he never cares about you; it is not your reminder to mail the letter, it is that he fears criticism.
What To Do
Cool the emotion – call time out until the emotions settle down. Next, drop the need to be right. You can be right or relational, make a choice. If you always insist on being right, in ten years you may be right out the door.
Next, apologize for the event. Just say it, “Forgive me for leaving my socks out.” Finally, discuss the issue not the event. After you apologize for the event, seek out the true issue. “Did I make you feel neglected?” “Did you feel criticized?” If the answer is yes, apologize and work on erasing the issue.  CoachOurMarriage

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