Jim on KCET
17 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Bereavement, Care Giving, Grieving Tags: Bereavement
As the boomer generation ages, more people are faced with the difficulty of end of life care. KCET has produced a four part series titled Your Turn to Care to help you if you are in this challenging situation. I did interviews on three topics: How to Handle Anger, What to Say to a Dying Person, and Tools of a Chaplain. Check out the KCET interviews here.
Why The Fuss Reason 3
06 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Help Tags: arguments, Communication, Marriage coaching, Marriage Help, marriage tips, Rejection
He can’t wait! Get home, have dinner, spend time with the kids, talk, and later on make love. But she wants to talk about the refinance and look over private school brochures. Disappointment strikes, no love making tonight.
Differing expectations happen easily. We quickly formulate our needs and their answers and place the solution in our expectation out box. She wants to nail down the private school issue and decides tonight will be a good time to do it. He wants intimacy, it’s been a busy week, and tonight will be a good time to do it. They approach the night from different angles on a crash trajectory.
As expectations arise, communicate them as quickly and as far in advance as possible. “Hon, I thought we’d talk over the kid’s school this week, how about Tuesday night?” “We’ll, we haven’t made love in a while, can we spend time together Monday and talk Tuesday?” Now each knows what to expect and when; needs will be met and no one is selfish.
Share expectations often, do so nightly for the next day, or each morning. Often we’ll talk over the week on a Sunday night while getting ready for bed.
When expectations are not met, we take it personally; the same goes for when we feel our expectations will be met. It just makes us feel good.
Why The Fuss Reason 2
04 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Help Tags: arguments, Communication, emotions, Marriage Help
Why is decision making so tough? You face a decision, talk it over, and pow, you disagree. “You wanna do what?” The impact of the sudden breach shakes you, emotions flare, and within moments, you argue. Understanding the fuss is tough.
Men think logically, women tend to think emotionally. This is an observation and at times roles can reverse. A man calculates the odds and the economics. A woman will think of what feels best, or how a choice affects other people. He needs a new blue shirt. They shop, he sees it and wants to bag it. “It’s here, we’re here, it’s efficient to buy it now, let’s go.”
She wants to shop around, besides, “It’s the wrong blue.” He’s thinking time management, she’s thinking of how the shirt will look. She doesn’t want people to think her husband can’t dress. He doesn’t care.
She wants to bring a gift when you go to friends for dinner. He says the candle stick is perfect, she says the host might feel slighted. Huh? He’s thinking logically, she’s thinking emotionally.
Discuss reasoning when making a decision to understand your partner’s process. If you disagree give that decision to one or the other. Recognize the decision’s impact on your marriage and decide to let it go if an argument lurks around the corner. A blue shirt is not worth the fuss. Explain your reasoning, try to see your spouse’s point of view, and don’t shoot it down. Somewhere in there is a shirt that works.
Why The Fuss
25 May 2011 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Help Tags: arguments, Communication, emotions, fussing, marriage
Three Reasons why Husbands and Wives Fuss
Reason One
They sit on the couch to watch a movie. He’s been looking forward to time together and who knows maybe afterward lovin’ will follow. The fire is glowing and popcorn is in the bowl, the movie starts up.
She reaches drags the laundry basket over and begins to fold clothes, or stitch a blouse, or look over her checkbook for that missing deposit. He looks with disbelief and his temp rises. Fifteen minutes into the movie he’s in a huff and the night tailspins. What happened?
Women are great at multitasking, men are just okay. Men like to focus, it helps them complete a task like fixing a drain. Women can spread attention out, it helps them take care of kids in the middle of working on a spreadsheet. Men hate the interruption.
This basic difference is a major cause of fussing in most marriages. In the scene above he felt his wife rude and not in the movie with him. In short he felt rejected. See if this multitasking difference affects your marriage and if so discuss how you can fix it. Agree to parameters.
Laura will mention that she wants to fold a basket of towels then, “I’ll be with you.” She is already with me but the multitasking makes me feel she is distant. Knowing the multitasking will last a short while, I am fine and realize that this is not a rejection, just the way she is. Next reason in a few days.
Pre-Marriage Education Workshop
29 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Help, Pre-Marriage Tags: Communication, marriage, marriage tips, pre-marriage education
Engaged? Consider a pre-marriage workshop.
July 24, 1-5 pm in Pasadena CA.
Lay a great foundation for your future. This four-hour workshop will help you communicate better, deal with money and children, and iron out personality and character. And you will learn how to insure better intimacy. The cost: $199.00. July 24th afternoon 1-5. The class is fun and non threatening. You will receive a booklet, worksheets and refreshments will be served. To reserve a space please call or click contact above and send an email. 626-676-3651. See more here.
After the Argument
01 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Help Tags: arguments, Communication, forgive, forgiveness, making up
So you blew it and had a big blow out. What do you do after the argument?
You want to fight!?
First, let your anger cool. Whether a few hours or a day, allow your anger to settle. Next, sort out impulse thoughts from reality. An impulse thought is one fueled by emotion, in this case anger. “What a witch, she always ignores me to ding me. She needs to learn to be more sensitive.” “He’s stupid, can’t even remember to do the littlest thing. He needs a dose of discipline.” Share these thoughts and you’ll reignite the battle. Here is your next step.
After your anger has cooled and your thoughts are more rational, follow this principle: approach your spouse with what you need to reconnect. If you need her to take responsibility for her action, approach her by taking responsibility. Say, “Hon, I take responsibility for my part of the blowout.” Chances are greater that she will respond in kind, that she will take responsibility for her action or words.
Don’t tell her what she should do. “Hon, you need to take responsibility for your action.” She will not do it. Humans do not respond well to commands or “you shoulds.” If you want her to say she is sorry, then say you are sorry. If you want him to say he’ll try harder, say you will try harder. Think of what you need, what the marriage needs, and offer it. “What if she does not respond?” Stay in that step until she does. Keep reaffirming your part, keep saying you apologize.
Next, tell her what you will do in light of taking responsibility for your part. “I will work on my anger.” Then give a practical step. “I will buy that book, take that class, get coaching.” Again, she will respond in kind, “And I will be more careful with my sharp tongue and soften my delivery.”
Finally, ask forgiveness. “Please forgive me for what I did, said, etc.” Your spouse will likely say he/she forgives you and ask you to do the same. Now you are in good territory. The last step is to hug. And that’s easy. This is called a repair and if you don’t have them in your marriage it will fall apart.
Make Her Your Hero
30 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Help Tags: Communication, Fixing trust, love, make your wife happy
There are reasons your wife attracted you.
Make her your hero.
Her smile captured you. Her wit thrilled you. Her energy mesmerized you. Strong chemistry and a combination of the above reasons with a few more thrown in drew you together to a lifelong commitment, but now that commitment is eroding. To reestablish bonds, make a list of what attracted you to your wife and her strong qualities; then contemplate those reasons. The key is to focus on her qualities until she becomes your hero.
My wife became my hero when she gave birth to our son. After ten hours of labor the doctors called for an emergency C-section. Exhausted from stress, with full concentration, presence and determination she endured the surgery showing no fear. At that moment she became my hero. That was twenty years ago and she is still my hero today. I often focus on her strengths, no matter how simple or small.
Focus on your list. Spend time thinking about your wife, her strengths, all she does, and let your admiration soar. When marriage struggles the negatives hit us, “she’s always nagging and telling me what to do,” yet the more we focus on those negatives the more we demote our spouse. She needs to be your hero and she needs to know it. Go for it, don’t be pragmatic. Say she’s the most. This is about romance, about love, about making someone feel she’s the absolute best.
Let her hear how you feel. Tell her what you appreciate about her. It may be as simple as how she matches clothes, or how she focuses on the kids, or her work; but clearly voice what you appreciate. When she becomes your hero, you will know it and so will she. You will adore her and believe me she will return the favor. Imagine how her life will change when you tell her she’s your hero.
Wives. You can easily switch out the pronouns and follow the above to make him your hero, but he won’t be having any babies soon.
The Switches in a Man’s Mind
20 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Help Tags: answers, arguments, marrige tips, understanding men
In a man’s head are a few switches. Here’s how he works when these switches get flipped.
His build switch. When this switch gets flipped he begins to fix; he tears down, moves rubble and builds. This switch flips when he hears a problem. That’s why listening is difficult. You voice a concern just to vent and be heard, the build switch flips and he tries to fix you. It is hard for him to do nothing.
His fight switch. Flip this switch and fur flies. His emotions evaporate and he seeks to destroy. Good if you are attacked in a parking lot, bad if he sees you as the enemy. This is why he can say mean things about you, the kids, the house. He may regret actions later, but now it’s search and destroy. A husband needs to manage his warrior switch. A wife needs to avoid it. In some men this switch is too easily flicked and their aggression is too severe, these men are abusive and need help. They should be avoided.
His charm switch. His most beguiling switch connects to his needs. He needs comfort, encouragement, and love; when those needs arise his charm switch flips and the romantic gentleman appears. His needs fall under the categories of food, comfort, encouragement, and sex. When these go unmet for along time his building switch flips. When that fails his warrior switch flips. When allowed to access his emotions he can funnel them through his charm circuitry and avoid the building and warrior switches, when he can’t, look out.
Men little understand these switches, only that they work. He is either building, fighting, or needing. The more he learns about these switches the better he can control their results. These switches are why men are doers and not talkers. It is why they like sports. Sports combine building – the game plan – and fighting – the game.
Because of these switches men find it hard to understand women. He can learn, but it takes time and teaching, and a little less switch flipping.
Marriage Tip: Trash Talk
06 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in Marriage Help Tags: Communication, marriage success, marriage tips
Keep from trashing your spouse.
Trash Talk
Trashing your spouse to someone damages your marriage in several ways.
- What we feed grows. Trash talk reinforces the negatives in your mind making you feel worse about your spouse and marriage.
- It alters memories. Research shows that the more a marriage spirals down, the more we select bad memories. Eventually, bad memories dominate and reinforce the idea our marriage is doomed.
- It adds agreement to your thoughts. Power of agreement is strong and telling someone about your spouse’s bad points causes that person to agree with you.
- It makes a new enemy for your spouse exposing him/her to more criticism.
- It sows a destiny. Thoughts become words, words become actions that create destiny.
- You no longer protect your marriage, you open it to criticism.
- You reinforce faith that your marriage will crash.
- Finally, you lose respect in the eyes of others.
Think on positive qualities of your spouse. If you need help it is fine to say, “Our marriage needs work,” but you need not criticize your spouse. Get help from someone capable. If you must talk to a friend to vent, be general, but refrain from dissing your spouse. Write us.
